Listen and Lead

Whose Turn to Listen?

Sometimes, even when you are trying hard top be a good listener, it is necessary to ask the other person to listen a little, too.

It happened to me one morning last week. Someone had asked me to meet her for breakfast to talk about career strategies. She is trying to kick her reporting career up a notch in Washington, D.C., one of the most competitive media markets in the country.

Every time I started to pursue a new strategy with her, she cut me off. Even before I could describe a plan, she would tell me why it wouldn't work.

I stopped her. I told her that I new she was frustrated and asked whether she wanted suggestions or to just bent. I told her she was not listening.

She apologized, clamped her lips shut and held her hand up t her face, holding across her lips. Talk about body language!

We then discussed a couple strategies. I hope one works for her!

Focus on the Whole Person

I had asked one of our staff members to talk about the success of her blog and was trying to pay close attention.

I listened, processed what she was telling me and paid close attention to her facial expressions. It was as though I had focused my field of vision so that it excluded everything but her voice and face.

Then I looked down.

There, on the desk in front of me, was something I had not seen on my desk before. It was a green ink pen. I picked it up and looked at it. It bore the name of her blog, "O Street."

"How long has this been here?" I asked.

"I just put it there and you didn't even notice, she said. "You're losing it. "You used to pay close attention to things. Remember years ago when we went out to lunch and yo noticed how I moved the salt shaker so you could reach it? You didn;t even see this. You're losing it.

She had put that pen there, right under my nose, while I was watching and listening with I thought was close attention. But I had missed this.

Too small. I had made my focal area too small.

She could not remember just what we had talked at that meeting years ago, but she remembered that I had observed her courtesy. Now, she wondered if I was even in the same room for her.

Actions speak louder than words, we say. And we can't rely on the spoken word alone.

Listeners are Observers

It is just common sense -- but uncommonly difficult.

The best listeners tend also to be the best observers.

People who are attentive to and analytical of others pay attention. They pay attention to the whole picture. Estimates vary as to how much of our message is carried in body language and facial expression. No doubt, the proportion of message communicated this way v aries from person to person.

Easily, most estimates of how much we communicate wordlessly are above 75 percent. Pick your percentage: 75 percent, 80 percent, 85 percent. It's a lot.

So, it follows that a person cannot listen well by following just the words.

Observation does not help listening. It IS listening.